An October weekend in 2010 brought three heart stopping games for college and professional football players, teams, and fans. During a Saturday Army / Rutgers game, Rutgers player Eric LeGrand was paralyzed below the neck after a hard hit in which he ducked his head. On Sunday in the NFL, the Falcons played the Eagles, and the Steelers took on the Browns. Four players were seriously injured due to “head first tackles” that are clear violations of the rules. Now I’m aware that there is some controversy as to how “violent” or “clean” these hits were, but that’s not what this blog is about. This blog is about parenting and we’ll get to that in a moment. I have been a quiet observer of the NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, for the past five years, and I like his leadership. In 2007, after a year of consequential scandals involving NFL players, he instituted the NFL Personal Conduct Policy. Players, who crossed the line with weapons, drugs, drunk driving, or using banned substances, were suspended without pay and/or fined up to $100,000. Players who were held in “higher public regard” than other players on the field were given more severe penalties. Why? Because they were role models who were powerful enough to positively or negatively influence millions of viewers including our impressionable children.
Two days after the injurious October weekend, Mr. Goodell and his Commission decided that they had to keep their players as safe as possible. They also had to help them stay accountable. If players could not regulate themselves in their pursuit to win, they would have new incentive.
Any player who initiated a “dangerous and flagrant” hit that violated rules, particularly those including helmets and a “defenseless player” (a receiver in the act of making a catch) would be suspended and possibly fined. This new rule would punish careless or downright defiant players who took rules for granted.
What is most significant is that Roger Goodell and his NFL Commission have had the backbone to enforce their rules. Players know this and take their consequences more seriously.
Fast forward to the upcoming 2012 season. Mr. Goodell and the NFL aren’t just taking care of their own players, and they’re not just being punitive. Proactive and practicing what they preach, the NFL is donating one million dollars a year to Heads Up Football a health and safety resource for parents, coaches and players in youth leagues.
Furthermore, Mr. Goodell, in response to the New Orleans Saints bounty scandal for which he imposed harsh penalties to players and coaches, released a 2012 preseason letter stating that “there was no place for bounties in football.” He re-emphasized NFL rules and his commitment to enforcing them. I particularly appreciated this statement: “Our players do not make excuses on the field; we will not make them off the field.”
So what does all this have to do with parenting? Roger Goodell is like a parent to the NFL players and even coaches. If he can straighten his backbone to set standards and enforce them, for player welfare, and for the NFL family reputation, why don’t we take his example and do the same for our kids and our families?
Your kids, like some football players or coaches, will test your rules by breaking them, either unknowingly or intentionally. Pause for a moment and evaluate how you have handled this type of situation thus far. Do you need to create and enforce a personal conduct policy for your children in sports and in the game of life? How would this help to keep your kids and other kids safer and out of trouble? In other words, what's in it for all of you?
Once you create rules, how effectively do you enforce them? Are your approaches punitive, proactive or both? How well do you model the behaviors you wish that your children would demonstrate?
If there is one thing we know from decades of research, it is that children like to know what they can and can’t do. It takes some of the guesswork out of life. In other words, they want limits. Who better than a parent to set them?
You are the Commissioner of what happens in your family.
Let us know your thoughts and ways you’ve helped your kids to regulate their personal conduct.
"Look!" "Lauren is wearing Ugg boots." "She thinks she's hot so let's teach her a lesson and just ignore her!" (Lauren got the boots as a gift from her grandmother. She was nervous about wearing them because she usually doesn’t wear designer brands.) "Josh's dad drives him to school when he lives only a few blocks away and could walk." "What a lazy loser!" (Josh’s peers don’t know that he has a fragile bone disease and that doctors have asked him to avoid tripping and falling on uneven sidewalks.)
“Those kids get straight A’s.” “They’re such bookworm nerds!” “No wonder they have no real friends.” (The straight A students are funny and personable if only some of their peers would give them a chance.)
We all pass judgment. Sometimes it can serve as a 6th sense that protects us from danger. Most of the time however, passing judgment is an unjust allegation. Kids in particular observe something and make up their minds about it before acquiring any facts. Their observation is a mere sliver of the big picture. Kids then go on to express this observation as an assumption using words that can be hurtful because they are not necessarily true. The words in turn can become nasty rumors and lead to schoolyard pranks that hurt, alienate, or otherwise harass the person being judged. Suddenly an innocent child is subject to teasing or full-fledged bullying. So what can we do to help?
Parents and teachers can choose from an array of ideas to help their kids to be fair and friendly instead of judgmental. My new favorite is the old classic video of Susan Boyle on Britain’s Got Talent. I know. You’ve already seen it, but would you please consider watching it again with your kids or students beside you? Pay close attention to the judges and the audience. Assess their facial expressions and ponder what they might have been thinking both before and after Ms. Boyle sings. Then ask the kids what they observed. Query them on how passing judgment can be unfair. Ask why one of the judges called the incident “the biggest wake-up call ever.”
To really connect with your kids, consider sharing your own experiences related to passing judgment or being the recipient of it. Then ask them to share theirs. You might just learn something new about their “secret” life at school, sports or other extracurricular activities. Lastly, solicit your children’s solutions. Gandhi said “Be the change that you want to see in the world.” How do your children think they can be that change?
It takes a village so let’s support one another. After you watch the video http://youtu.be/RxPZh4AnWyk please come back and leave us a comment of the wisdom you and your children shared.
Back talk from kids rears its ugly head to annoy, challenge, and sometimes even embarrass parents. It doesn’t just come from teenagers, even tiny tots catch on to “sassing” their parents. Luckily, parents can remedy this surly syndrome. Let’s jump right with the following tips. As always, take what works and toss what doesn’t. You’re the parent and you get to decide! 1. It is important to note that kids who back talk are normal. This is part of their natural desire to grow toward independence. Since they learn by trial and error, they are testing their limits to see what works and what doesn't.
2. Try not to snap back at your child. Doing so will justify their behavior and procure more of it. Instead of getting annoyed with them, try looking at the situation as an opportunity to teach. (This won’t work all the time, but the more you try, the better you will get at it.)
3. Rule out hunger or fatigue as catalysts for back talk or any other unpleasant behavior. Physical discomforts would make anyone cranky and short tempered. Then, set rules and limits that work best for your family. Experts advise that kids actually want limits set for them so that they can help themselves self regulate. Here is what a limit might sound like. “In this family, we speak with courtesy and a pleasant tone of voice. Talking back with rude words, tones, or gestures will not be tolerated.”
4. Teach your child how you would like them to express themselves including a courteous tone of voice, pleasant facial expressions, and civilized body language. This might seem like common sense, but remember that what your children learn from the media and some of their friends is anything but common sense or common courtesy! Of course the more you role model high-quality communication the more you’ll be able to teach by example. Your child’s brain does not just learn by listening to what you say, it learns by observing what you do.
5. Empathize with your child. Okay, I know! The last thing you want to do when you’ve just been sassed is to be empathetic but try for just a moment try to actually feel the frustration that is making your child talk back. I’m not saying you must agree with them; just try to understand where they are coming from. It is very likely that the back talk was provoked by a strong emotion such as anger, disappointment, or frustration. Once you identify why your child is having a strong emotion resulting in back talk, you both can lay the groundwork for problem solving both.
6. Use empathy again, but this time as a teaching tool. Ask your child how he would feel if his closest friends or family addressed him with back-talk. Of course, this step is best done when your child is calm and not talking back! It is a step that can allow for bonding between parent and child. Building empathy takes time but is a key competency of emotional intelligence and it addresses how we communicate with each other. With your patience and persistence it can work wonders.
7. Age appropriate consequences should be delivered for the child who continues with back talk. Remember though that consequences only work for parents who commit to enforce them with consistency. If you don’t do this, you are teaching your child that your rules are meaningless and that you can be manipulated. Not good!
8. If you catch your child regressing a bit but the circumstance isn’t severe enough to be enforced with a firm consequence, consider this simple question as a gentle reminder: “How do you speak to me?”
9. Kids are smart and sensitive. They can pick up on insincerity so please sincerely PRAISE your child when you see that he /she has made improvements. "I really like the calmness and maturity with which you expressed yourself." “I’m proud of your efforts.” Watch the pride on your child’s face when positive feedback is rendered.
10. After you praise your kids, please praise yourself. The steps outlined above require patience and persistence often in very grueling emotional situations. Parenting is the hardest job on the planet, and you just advanced the success in yours. BRAVO!
Over to you. How do you handle back talk with your kids? Did your parents have tricks that worked on you when you were growing up? We’d love to hear your thoughts in our comments section.
The lazy hazy days of our kids’ summer vacations are nearly upon us. While summer is meant to be brimming with fun, the words “lazy” and “hazy” plague many parents. They complain about “lazy” kids who just want to “chill”, and then they worry about the impact of personal sluggishness and absent academics. Parents feel “hazy” attempting to manage free-for-all schedules, as well as the chaos of getting in and out of suitcases, vacations, camps, and the “I’m bored” melodrama. Well I’m not promising a magic potion for “lazy and “hazy”, but these ideas might just help parents to feel a little more in control.
1. The busiest moms and dads can salvage sanity with the use of lists. Is creating one a hassle? Your problem is solved by visiting www.listbean.com. This free website has the most comprehensive list of checklists that can assist anyone to contain ideas, needs, and tasks in one organized place. Use them for anything including teaching your children to pack their own bag for vacation, summer camp, or a sleepover at grandmas. Not only are you teaching them about organization and personal responsibilities, you are lightening your parental workload at the same time. Uh-huh, you heard me! This summer is about your parenting sanity and this post is dedicated to YOU!
2. Did I just say “lighten your workload?” You betcha! Assign daily summer chores to your kids! A good friend of mine grew up as one of seven children. Every day during summer break, her parents left a list of chores that each child was responsible for. From yard work, laundry, vacuuming, or preparing for dinner, these kids all grew up having an appreciation for domesticity, personal responsibility, and family team work. Oh, and if the kids didn’t do what they were assigned, they learned about accountability and consequences from their parents who vowed to be consistent, yet loving disciplinarians! Each of these seven kids grew up with no understanding of what it meant to be “lazy” or “unproductive.” Today all seven are not just self made successes; they are highly productive and respected members in their communities. Kudos to their parents!
3. Many parents want their kids to use their noodles during summer break. No, not the kind you float on in the pool, but the one that grows in between their ears. The planet’s best research reports that parents who require children to read in the summer actually advance the children’s literacy and academic performance. Furthermore, instruction to “go read for an hour” is good ammunition for parents to squelch the drones of “I’m bored.” Age appropriate book lists are available from your child’s school, the public library, bookstores, or a quick internet search. Helpful tips include allowing your child to select both fiction and nonfiction books that interest them, set goals as to how many they would like to read each week, and add newspapers and magazines for variety. Most importantly, consider reading some books out loud as a family. Author Jim Trelease has an entire book devoted to this subject. It is called The Read Aloud Handbook and it happens to be a New York Times bestseller because of its valuable not to mention delightful content. (I gift a copy to every expecting mom that I know.)
4. Do the things that you don’t have the time or patience to do in the school year. Split this one up in to fun things, and not so fun but necessary tasks. Whether you teach your children how to make a banana split, have a friendly water balloon fight, clean out closets, feed the homeless, cook together, garden together, or just watch fireflies, do it together. Let the gift of time, and your united spirits create the finest family bonding that you’ve ever experienced.
5. Okay… so your kids are off for 3 months. This doesn’t mean you have to tend to their whims or entertain them 24/7/365. Parents have to take care of themselves in order to take care of their kids. If you don’t know the importance of this or how to do it, please read about The Parenting Oxygen Mask.
What would you add to this list? Scroll down to our comments section and share your ideas to grow happy yet productive kids, peaceful parents, family harmony, and the best summer ever!